Tuesday, July 10

The Two-Second Lightning Rule

In the morning meeting, His Highness read out our most recent secret shopper report.
Did we greet the customer? Yes. Did we mention specials? Yes. Were we dressed professionally? Yes. So far, so good. Did the cashier ask if you were a member? Yes.
... Any additional comments? My wife and I were delighted at the spectacular (yes, spectacular) service we received. Not only were the cashiers, Allen and his young female coworker, professional, they engaged us in a jocular and amusing conversation, making the entire trip worthwhile, entertaining, and pleasurable. Outstanding!
And while The Head Tomato read this commentary out loud, the more he read, the more I knew that "young female coworker" was me. I had been covering lunches for sales associates that day, and I remember joking with this older couple and Allen about membership. I asked if they were members, they said no, and then they said, "This membership thing must be a big deal; everyone keeps asking us that!" and I told them we reserve the red carpet for our members - we even hire fake papparizzi to run around and take their pictures as they enter our store. Everyone laughed and it was a good time.
After Big Boss finished reading the secret shopper dodah, I said, "I think that was me; I remember ringing that couple." And everyone at the meeting was silent and just looked at me like yeah, right. Of course it was you. But it really was!
Boss said, let's all congratulate Allen when he comes in ... this was the best report I've ever seen since I started here 12 years ago. We usually get a secret shopper once a month, so being the best report out of 146 others is quite an ordeal. I know, I know, my position is managerial, so I should rank that high anyway and just be happy for Allen, but hey, credit due where credit's due! I felt jipped.
I casually brought it up later by asking if Power Hungry Man could look up the transaction and see who was ringing, but he claimed he couldn't. That's BS for sure; every manager I've ever worked with can look up transactions and who rung what. That's why we have to log in every time anyway ... so they can kick our asses if something goes wrong! So now that something went right, he all of a sudden lost his ability to look up crap?
Of course this whole scenario just reinforced Assistant Power Hungry's view that I think I'm wonderful. Did I tell you that story? I was joking around my second week, turned around to Assistant Shithead and said, "I'm just so awesome!" Well, apparently he took that literally, and henceforth started rumors that I think my shit don't stink. Off subject. But I can just hear him thinking. Of course she thought it was her. She's so wonderful it had to be her. What a princess.
So back to the wonderful, glowing review of work that's mine that no one believes is mine. Following that tasty morsel of I-can't-look-up-good-things, Head Shithead says to me, oh I've been meaning to ask you: do you look up if items are coming before you ask your buyer (who is yet another one of my bosses) if we have any? Of course, I'm not stupid.
Then he says, well your buyer told my boss (General Manager or GM as the folks say) that you call her too much. Huh? I've never called that woman in my life. I don't even know her phone number! And she told the GM that I never look up SKUs first, which is more BS! Just last week I e-mailed her and said the computer says we can order more of this, we sell it very well, but we've been out for two weeks, can you please order more (all of which is HER job)? And she thanked me for noticing, complimented me, etc ... for looking up SKUs, basically.
I told my Head Shit, "Well that's odd. I always look up SKUs first and I never call her." And he nodded his head in the same motion as earlier this morning: sure you do. I don't believe a word you're saying. He paused in the nod, and said, "You shouldn't be so defensive." Well shouldn't I be defending myself if I didn't do that?? Of course I kept my trap shut.
Immediately after he walks away, a customer service associate comes over and says my buyer's on the phone. Yeah, SHE called ME. And guess what the first thing out of her mouth was? "Wow, it's been a long time since we last spoke."
"Yeah, it has," I replied. ?! I looked around with my mouth in shock mode. Isn't there a two-second lightning rule somewhere?

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